Let's Talk About Sex Baby, Let's Talk About Virgin-it-y
Now reactions to my virginity (who the hell knows how the topic even comes up half the time) vastly differ. My 71-year-old aunt’s reaction, for example, was frowning up at me in disgust and disbelief before she proclaimed “You need to get rid of that!” Of course, this is the same aunt who told me I has DSL’s. But really, reactions are all over the place so I thought I’d share with you the most common ones I’ve gotten over the years. So sit back, relax, and enjoy tales from your friendly, neighborhood, virgin.
In no particular order:
1) “You a damn lie.” For some ungodly reason, when some people find out that I still keep my v-card in my back pocket(usually men) they like to call me a liar. This reaction is comical to me because a) I have no reason to lie about this. b) I for damn sure am not about to try to prove it to you and c) the fact that they think I care enough about them to warrant lying is highly amusing.
2) “I volunteer as tribute!” Probably the most common reaction (though I’m embellishing with the exact phrasing here a wee bit here) I’ve gotten over the years. Sweet pea, my virginity isn’t a problem…and even if it was, you certainly wouldn’t be the solution. Usually volunteering is coupled with and expectation of me to feel flattered that said person even bothered to offer to “fix” my little “problem”. “Really you’d do that for little ol me? You’d swipe the V? Gosh your so generous.” -_-
3) “You got five minutes?” This response is quite similar to number two, and usually said jokingly. This used to warrant a smirk out of me, but these days it’s nothing but an eye roll because it’s simply not creative anymore. And golly gee! 5 whole minutes!! I’m practically panting. Forget foreplay; who died and made me such a lucky girl?
4) “So are you a lesbian…or what?” (Again usually a response by men) Cause god forbid, I just don’t want to sleep with you. I absolutely must be lesbian. This is hands down the least offensive response for me. Though associating sexual inactivity with lesbians is arguably offensive to them. Even father thought I was a lesbian for two years and he didn’t care at all. I usually don’t even dignify this foolishness with a response. I even had a doctor ask me if I’d remained celibate for so long due to sexuality questioning. To that effect, a lot of people are fond of telling me that since I’ve never had sex with a woman, I can’t be positive that I’m not a lesbian. Of course, these are the same people who’ve only slept with one sex and call themselves straight/gay. Dial H for hypocrite. And my rebuttal to this foolery is a concept the bestie always references, I don’t have to be stabbed to know that’s not on my list of things to do.
5) “You better do it soon, or your hymen will get super tough and only make it more painful when you do do it.”(said seriously) Okay, I admit this isn’t a popular reaction, but this reaction made me laugh the most in recent months. Like thanks for worrying about my body, but I’ve got things under control. Besides, I was a gymnast growing up and had one particularly nasty fall off the balance beam whilst attempting handstands, so that baby’s probably long gone anyways.
Welp, that concludes my rant for today. If you had a similar reaction to finding out about my virginity (or some else’s) I say to you “for shame.” I ain’t judging you, so you don’t judge me. “Now you just do you, and imma dougie.” (Sorry I had to go there, it rhymed!) -sips tea-
Taken from the ridiculous TLC show "The Virgin Diaries"
Find more from the author at https://medium.com/@Tea.Time