untitled by Roz Naimi

**trigger warning: sexual assault, rape**

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The warmth has oozed out of my room

I am cold for you.

My shoulders made of daggers,

cold for you.

My eyes stabs cold for you.

Messages guilt me into hating you

And I stand waiting to tell of rape

To tell of triggers and betrayals you

did not listen to.

Tonight my instability is you

Leave, please

Please No More

Mouth guarded taste blood, I beg

for no one anymore

I won't ask you again and again

The threat I finally made to my high school bully:

Look at me again and I will chop off

your balls and shove them down

your throat.

A moment of pride for my mother,

who believes I am too strong for

rape

Though my tongue is a peppered spear, their ears can be deaf when my body is theirs and I am stupid and young and self-conscious and self-loathing.

Sometimes I tell people I raped

myself because it's not victim blaming when you're the one who did it. Yes, a very good point. A spiral of I don't actually know any more, what happened, and maybe I should just shut the fuck up about it already.

How will I tell my children?

Please,

I didn't do anything

I don't want to

I'm high please stop

You have to wear a condom

I don't want to

When consent seems to be your

hard limit,

rape is mine again and again

I didn't know what it was before

I know now to

I forgo the fingers press down harder

I forget remembrance of how much longer--

My beating cold cadaver is mine

My eyes, transgression

My life

My lips

My yes

My no

My mine.

#poetry

 

 

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