untitled by Roz Naimi
**trigger warning: sexual assault, rape**
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The warmth has oozed out of my room
I am cold for you.
My shoulders made of daggers,
cold for you.
My eyes stabs cold for you.
Messages guilt me into hating you
And I stand waiting to tell of rape
To tell of triggers and betrayals you
did not listen to.
Tonight my instability is you
Leave, please
Please No More
Mouth guarded taste blood, I beg
for no one anymore
I won't ask you again and again
The threat I finally made to my high school bully:
Look at me again and I will chop off
your balls and shove them down
your throat.
A moment of pride for my mother,
who believes I am too strong for
rape
Though my tongue is a peppered spear, their ears can be deaf when my body is theirs and I am stupid and young and self-conscious and self-loathing.
Sometimes I tell people I raped
myself because it's not victim blaming when you're the one who did it. Yes, a very good point. A spiral of I don't actually know any more, what happened, and maybe I should just shut the fuck up about it already.
How will I tell my children?
Please,
I didn't do anything
I don't want to
I'm high please stop
You have to wear a condom
I don't want to
When consent seems to be your
hard limit,
rape is mine again and again
I didn't know what it was before
I know now to
I forgo the fingers press down harder
I forget remembrance of how much longer--
My beating cold cadaver is mine
My eyes, transgression
My life
My lips
My yes
My no
My mine.
