June 12th & natural history, two poems by Amanda Dissinger
June 12th
Imagine if you lived 12 years in Greenpoint, imagine if you were the one to take me to the river imagine if i had stayed the night, if i had swallowed my skittishness with aspirin that morning and imagine if there were only landlines imagine if I was the one to control the weather, if i could be the only one to put you in your place imagine if we lost track of time, couldn’t separate six months from yesterday if all we had was the heat, all we had was the way the weeks drag
imagine if you finally told me the end of the story, and if i could brand my jealousness as longing for another time imagine if the outcome of every fight was teleportation, if i could control the things i wanted with a flourish of my heart and imagine that i had to live last summer over again, if it was the time before i met you and imagine all i could survive was loneliness imagine if i redeclared all my declarations, if we bought a house of our own imagine if i lined them all up in a row, put the moon and the sun over each one of their heads imagine if i had to go through all of them seventeen more times to get to you, if i had to taste discontent over and over again imagine if i was my old self and you were your old self and we met in the new place that we both can find imagine if you can steer me any which way but wrong imagine that most of what i can give you is the way i say your name imagine that we have a plan imagine that all i can do is love you forever
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natural history
Like clockwork, i felt out of tune February was the most peculiar i am a cement dream, i am unresolved and i know the back of your neck more than anyone i am tired of feeling and i wanted to tell you all the stories, for starters, for once and for all i am wringing you out i can never be older
before the messiness that can never be reversed, my old lover wasn’t a lover for his birthday he told me he wanted to see the dinosaurs wanted to understand space and time wanted to understand all the other women he used to read all the museum plaques, used to be too cautious about everything except me and valentine’s day was like a wake and my hands are without meaning and i will walk if the new you doesn’t claim me i will walk if you keep maintaining cavalier
and now, say we are closing in five different languages say i wanna love you next year let the seasons fall i want you to be mine and only and the eeriness of the date marks itself i am long suffering, i am too patient i am insecure and it’s breeding i am a basket case without a basket and most days i am falling in love with you i want you to know me from the inside out
and if you say the following words they will make me feel better: “i want you, always” “i am not ashamed of the way we will be” i will strong arm my way into your life i will make a gaping hole teach me how i can make an impact, teach me how to play the guitar teach me about meteorites, teach me i can wake up and know you’ll be there teach me you’ll stay teach me how we can be history like all the others teach me how to write our story teach me that forever is infinite teach me i can figure this out
